Saturday, March 1, 2014

Hurt

Today is Erin's birthday. She would have been 50 years old today if she hadn't decided to kill herself last November. She was kind of scared of being 50... She often thought of herself as an old maid. In fact, she was beautiful and sexy. There was always something of a teenager in her.

She had this ritual of calling her best friends on their birthdays and play "Happy Birthday" by Altered Images. Just the song, no comments, then she would hang up. Last year she did it to me on my birthday, then I did the same to her on her birthday. March first, like today.

I won't play Happy Birthday by Altered Images today. It's not a Happy Birthday. Maybe it's not a birthday at all. Instead, I'm posting this video of the song Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, which I think is what she would have liked me to post. Erin was big on getting me to like the music that she liked. She made me a CD of her favorite songs and was kind of disappointed when I didn't play it often enough when we were together. She didn't understand, I didn't explain well enough, that I'm slow to take to music. I was taking my time. I thought that we had time. She didn't explain that we did not, in fact, had that much time. She didn't say that she planned to leave so soon.


Anyway, I like Hurt now. It explains perfectly well how she felt, how she hurt, why she had to go. With it, she warned me that she would let me down, in the end. That she'd made me hurt. I hear her talking in every single word of those lyrics. What have you become, my sweetest friend? You left me your empire of dust... all of it. What am I do to with it?

This is Erin speaking. This is her Hurt. She sent me this e-mail on April 30 last year.

Oh.....Jesus, Mary and Joseph!  - forgive me!  - but I am so sick and tired of spending two and a half hours on the phone talking with some guy who is SO into his wife or some other chick - and helping him to feel better about his relationship!  OH DOG!  FUCK ME RAW AND KILL ME BEFORE I EVER FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS AGAIN!   It used to, but no longer instills "hope" in me!  I am just wanting so bad for this life shit to be over with asap!  i am SO done with all of this bullshit!  I just wanna sleep - to trip the light fantastic - for good!  - and, again, I am not suicidal, trust me, I am not!  I am just so very done with all of this crap!   There is nothing that is good or wonderful about my life!  I want to expedite the process of my death to the best of my ability.  Perhaps I should take up doing crack cocaine or something.....I don't know.  I just know that I want to get this all over with so bad!  I am so done!  I am so sad.  I hope you can try to begin to understand this Hermes.   It is not about you in any way - at all!  it is about ME! 

I just want you, and your wife, and my mom and my friend Tina, and everyone I love and care about to just hurry up and die!  So that I can get the fuck - out of here!  I hate my life!  I want it to be over!  I used to care about leaving a mark on the world.  - something meaningful and helpful to others - but I am out of "life" and I just don't even care anymore.  - Something inside me has died.   I just want to sleep.  I used to want to help other people to have an easier life and find happiness....but, I am sorry, I just don't care about me, or anyone else anymore. 

peace OUT!

 
May you trip the light fantastic, Erin!